We're all playin the same game
We're all lookin for redemption,
just afraid to say the name.
So caught up now in pretending,
That what we're seekin is the truth.
I'm just lookin for a happy ending,
All I'm lookin for is You.
You came upon me wave on wave,
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one You were sent to save?
You came upon me wave on wave......
I love Pat Green. This song came to mind tonight, as I was driving home from seeing Donald Miller and Susan Isaacs.... A Million Miles tour. http://www.amillionmiles.com/ . It was incredible. I went by myself. I am so glad that I did. I really enjoyed it, I sponsored a World Vision Child... his name is Israel....(more on him later). I signed on for a monthly donation to the http://www.mentoringproject.org/. I listened to every word that Susan and Donald said.... then it happened.
Like a ton of bricks when I was driving home. I had to pull over. I had realized I was at the same place I was on April 21, 2008.... when I walked out (literally) of J.Alexander's Restaurant in Franklin, TN as the GM. On that day, I had decided I wanted what was more. I needed a break. I deserved a break... afterall, I was 36 soon to be 37 .... I had worked in restaurant for 19 years. I wanted to sit in the pool at my brothers in Corpus Christi, TX and do nothing... and that is what I did. I went there.... bought roughly 10 books and floated in the pool and read books.... and did nothing. But not until today, did I realize that I really have done nothing.
Don talked alot about story in his lecture. While I was driving, I thought, what is my story? On November 4, 2008, I went to work for Bravo Cucina Italiana in Kansas City. I was hired on to be the GM of the restaurant here in St. Louis at West County Center. My team and I have managed to work our way to the top. We were budgeted to lose $320,000 this year, right now we are in the positive $20,000.... and we are aproaching the three busiest months of the year. Our food cost is number one in the company... there are 46 restaurants in this company. We have made major strides in labor and marketing. I have a tough exterior and today three times it was told to me... you are hard to read. I managed to tear the Pepsi guy out of his shorts, for no other reason than to just bring up to him, that I remember what did to "ME" in the opening of the new restaurant and I was not going to let him forget it. I was not going to lose. I don't like to lose. I am the BOSS.
I have lost. I lost my story. I will do anything to get a glimpse of someone elses story, but in some ways I am afraid to live mine. I thought about it the entire way home... it is only 8 miles, but I had to pullover... twice. I thought about something that Susan said, and I am paraphrasing. This is God and her in a marriage counseling session, this is only after several chapters of angry conversations, Susan says "Please don't leave, you're all I've got. I may get angry with you, but I want this to work. God: "No Susan. You want to make it work for you." Then God goes on to say, "When you want to know the real me, then I will be back, but not until then." In my story, I find myself testing God. I know it is not the Christian thing to do, but I have done it. I have done things in the last year that I know are not right with God and I kept on doing them. But a lot of the time, I want God to work on my schedule. I have lost the focus of where my life was 2 years ago. I want to make it work for ME.
I know that God still loves me. I love him too. But the other thing that stuck out in my mind was when Don talked about a low point in his life. At that time .... he said he was never going to thank God for taking him through such a terrible lesson. Today, he thanks him everyday for it. I feel over the last 18 months I have gone through a really dark time in my life and some days it has been all I could do to get up in the morning. But I do it, with a smile. But until tonight, until this moment... I didn't realize how dark and how crazy it has been. I have slowly figured out what was next... but I always had my eye on the prize.... total Utopia. Tonight though, Don put it in a way that totally makes sense. God is preparing us for that perfect world, he is molding and sculpting us in a way that when we do make it to the other side, we will be in that perfect state with that perfect bride groom... but until then... there will be conflict and struggle and pain and loss. What I am going to do is dive into the pain and suffering and the things that cause conflict. That is one of the ways that God is teaching me His love, but like before I want there to be a resolution from my end ... not self pity.... and God just wants me to live my story... He has the rest.
I know this blog has gone off on a tangent. I honestly wrote it for me. I have yet to let anyone read it.... as you can tell there are no comments. I only started it because Whitney told me how important it was to journal... and this so far is the best I can come up with :)
As I continue this journey with God, I only ask from you, my friends, continued prayer. There was one point tonight where Susan said she asked God, "why do all my friends get to live the wild and crazy life and get to have great lives?" And God in essence says, "I have given you a Spirit that has the knowledge of what is right and wrong." It is something I believe whole heartedly but have struggled with why me? Why do I have to understand what God wants? Why did he pick me to be all moral and good? These are just thoughts that I have on a daily basis. Why do I have to "get IT?" Again, I am being selfish, I know it. I want that to go away. I read something tonight that was so right to the point in prayer. This persons prayer was "that God would guide my life to where he wants it to be. That they are releasing all to him." As much as I want that from God, I don't think I have ever prayed that prayer...maybre it was fear.
I know this is a jumbled up mess, but so am I. I feel like I have been shaken to the core and slowly realizing that all of this has been playing in my head for 2 months... Susan and Don were just the messengers. I know that God has me in St. Louis for a reason. I know that I am by myself for a reason and I am ok with it. I have to say that again...just so I believe it... I am ok with being by myself. :)
I know that I could be in Darfur fighting to stay alive or in China where the Christians are persecuted... or I could have been the young lady in Columbine who stood up for Jesus and got shot and killed on the spot. I am thankful to God for what I have... I just had a come to Jesus that I wanted to share with everyone that prays for me on a daily basis. It was a literal come to Jesus. :)
Wave on Wave ends.... or at least close to the end....
The clouds broke and the angels cried
you don't have to walk alone
that's why He sent me your way
It came upon me Wave on Wave.
Thanks Susan and Don for your Wave on Wave.......
Robin
Pat Green, Wave on Wave
Susan Isaacs, Angry Conversations With God
Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
2 comments:
My blog ran together....I don't know how to fix it. I am leaving it in God's hands.... :)
robin bird! reed and i just read it aloud, and i have tears streaming down my face. it's so beautifully written - so raw - and so honest. like i've always said, i can't wait to see the top of the mountain to this valley you've been in for quite some time. we're so proud of you. i'm thankful to call you a friend of friends. we love you so dearly!
now you MUST post this link to facebook. all you need to do is type in your blog address (CUTE name) and it'll link it up. i think there is even a button for a link. more people need to hear this, bird.
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