Mile upon Mile got no direction....

We're all playin the same game

We're all lookin for redemption,

just afraid to say the name.

So caught up now in pretending,

That what we're seekin is the truth.

I'm just lookin for a happy ending,

All I'm lookin for is You.

You came upon me wave on wave,

You're the reason I'm still here.

Am I the one You were sent to save?

You came upon me wave on wave......

I love Pat Green. This song came to mind tonight, as I was driving home from seeing Donald Miller and Susan Isaacs.... A Million Miles tour. http://www.amillionmiles.com/ . It was incredible. I went by myself. I am so glad that I did. I really enjoyed it, I sponsored a World Vision Child... his name is Israel....(more on him later). I signed on for a monthly donation to the http://www.mentoringproject.org/. I listened to every word that Susan and Donald said.... then it happened.

Like a ton of bricks when I was driving home. I had to pull over. I had realized I was at the same place I was on April 21, 2008.... when I walked out (literally) of J.Alexander's Restaurant in Franklin, TN as the GM. On that day, I had decided I wanted what was more. I needed a break. I deserved a break... afterall, I was 36 soon to be 37 .... I had worked in restaurant for 19 years. I wanted to sit in the pool at my brothers in Corpus Christi, TX and do nothing... and that is what I did. I went there.... bought roughly 10 books and floated in the pool and read books.... and did nothing. But not until today, did I realize that I really have done nothing.

Don talked alot about story in his lecture. While I was driving, I thought, what is my story? On November 4, 2008, I went to work for Bravo Cucina Italiana in Kansas City. I was hired on to be the GM of the restaurant here in St. Louis at West County Center. My team and I have managed to work our way to the top. We were budgeted to lose $320,000 this year, right now we are in the positive $20,000.... and we are aproaching the three busiest months of the year. Our food cost is number one in the company... there are 46 restaurants in this company. We have made major strides in labor and marketing. I have a tough exterior and today three times it was told to me... you are hard to read. I managed to tear the Pepsi guy out of his shorts, for no other reason than to just bring up to him, that I remember what did to "ME" in the opening of the new restaurant and I was not going to let him forget it. I was not going to lose. I don't like to lose. I am the BOSS.

I have lost. I lost my story. I will do anything to get a glimpse of someone elses story, but in some ways I am afraid to live mine. I thought about it the entire way home... it is only 8 miles, but I had to pullover... twice. I thought about something that Susan said, and I am paraphrasing. This is God and her in a marriage counseling session, this is only after several chapters of angry conversations, Susan says "Please don't leave, you're all I've got. I may get angry with you, but I want this to work. God: "No Susan. You want to make it work for you." Then God goes on to say, "When you want to know the real me, then I will be back, but not until then." In my story, I find myself testing God. I know it is not the Christian thing to do, but I have done it. I have done things in the last year that I know are not right with God and I kept on doing them. But a lot of the time, I want God to work on my schedule. I have lost the focus of where my life was 2 years ago. I want to make it work for ME.

I know that God still loves me. I love him too. But the other thing that stuck out in my mind was when Don talked about a low point in his life. At that time .... he said he was never going to thank God for taking him through such a terrible lesson. Today, he thanks him everyday for it. I feel over the last 18 months I have gone through a really dark time in my life and some days it has been all I could do to get up in the morning. But I do it, with a smile. But until tonight, until this moment... I didn't realize how dark and how crazy it has been. I have slowly figured out what was next... but I always had my eye on the prize.... total Utopia. Tonight though, Don put it in a way that totally makes sense. God is preparing us for that perfect world, he is molding and sculpting us in a way that when we do make it to the other side, we will be in that perfect state with that perfect bride groom... but until then... there will be conflict and struggle and pain and loss. What I am going to do is dive into the pain and suffering and the things that cause conflict. That is one of the ways that God is teaching me His love, but like before I want there to be a resolution from my end ... not self pity.... and God just wants me to live my story... He has the rest.

While we were watching a video about World Vision and The Mentoring Project, I prayed that God would place on my heart a reason to connect with the child that I was about to sponsor. Please just show me something. I need a sign! The lady handed me the pamphlet and the little boys name was Israel. This morning one of my friends Facebook-ed "No limits, no boundaries, I see increase all around (FB Family) Take the limits off." I had the song stuck in my head all day. Israel sings that song. It was my sign.

I know this blog has gone off on a tangent. I honestly wrote it for me. I have yet to let anyone read it.... as you can tell there are no comments. I only started it because Whitney told me how important it was to journal... and this so far is the best I can come up with :)

As I continue this journey with God, I only ask from you, my friends, continued prayer. There was one point tonight where Susan said she asked God, "why do all my friends get to live the wild and crazy life and get to have great lives?" And God in essence says, "I have given you a Spirit that has the knowledge of what is right and wrong." It is something I believe whole heartedly but have struggled with why me? Why do I have to understand what God wants? Why did he pick me to be all moral and good? These are just thoughts that I have on a daily basis. Why do I have to "get IT?" Again, I am being selfish, I know it. I want that to go away. I read something tonight that was so right to the point in prayer. This persons prayer was "that God would guide my life to where he wants it to be. That they are releasing all to him." As much as I want that from God, I don't think I have ever prayed that prayer...maybre it was fear.

I know this is a jumbled up mess, but so am I. I feel like I have been shaken to the core and slowly realizing that all of this has been playing in my head for 2 months... Susan and Don were just the messengers. I know that God has me in St. Louis for a reason. I know that I am by myself for a reason and I am ok with it. I have to say that again...just so I believe it... I am ok with being by myself. :)

I know that I could be in Darfur fighting to stay alive or in China where the Christians are persecuted... or I could have been the young lady in Columbine who stood up for Jesus and got shot and killed on the spot. I am thankful to God for what I have... I just had a come to Jesus that I wanted to share with everyone that prays for me on a daily basis. It was a literal come to Jesus. :)

Wave on Wave ends.... or at least close to the end....

The clouds broke and the angels cried

you don't have to walk alone

that's why He sent me your way

It came upon me Wave on Wave.

Thanks Susan and Don for your Wave on Wave.......

Robin

Pat Green, Wave on Wave
Susan Isaacs, Angry Conversations With God

Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Strawberry Tomatoes

The last time I was home... I got to spend a lot of time with little Jessa Rose. We were in my mom and dad's backyard when she wanted to show me all of the Toe-May-Toes.... She said, "look Aunt Robin, Guammy has 'cheery' tomatoes and grape tomatoes and red tomatoes and strawberry tomatoes..." I said, "wait a second there ... I have never heard of a strawberry tomato... are you serious?" With that OMGoodness look she said... "come look!!!!!" She could not wait to teach me ... the grown up... what a strawberry tomato looked like. She then took it off the vine and ate it. I said, "Jessa, no that is yucky!" With her cute little smile and laugh...she said, "just a little dirt Aunt Va Va!"

This picture really does say it all.....

.... And they called him... Charlie!

And so it goes... Charlie Christopher Murphy Sparks arrived April 22, 2009.

He is so flippin cute. He is a mirror image of my brother when he was a baby.... but cuter. I love that he is already adapted the signature lil' Jacky sleeping position.. arms over his head and relaxed.

Charlie.... I gotta warn you. Your daddy will wear whatever he pleases. I can only imagine that in this picture what you do not see are the trouser socks and birks. But he will love you like none other. Looks like he already makes you laugh... or is it cause he is funny lookin?

You are so beautiful and I am so excited to see you soon... I am heading to Minneapolis the second weekend in October... to spoil you rotten. Until then.... know that I love you with all my heart!!!

Ahhhhh Napa Valley

Mendocino wine company in Ukiah, CA. The only Carbon Neutral Winery in the U.S. They are biodynamic and organic. If you go to Napa... this is only about an hour North. They make Parducci, Sketchbook and Zig Zag Zin to name a few.

Charles Krug winery owned by the Mondavi family... oldest winery in Napa. The roses at the end of the grapevines means that the vines are healthy... they are beautiful.

Our favorite winery in Napa. It was Saddleback ... it was the first one we visited and they took great care of us. The wine was awesome. Lisa is in the pix with me. I have been friends with her for years. It was her first rather long vaca without her baby boy.... we survived.

So... it has been six months.....

So much has happened since my last blog. Where do I begin? The restaurant has had a VERY successful opening. This was the day before we opened. I was waiting on a courier to deliver check presenters... books, if you will, for servers to hold their "stuff " in.

I will say, I have made some mistakes here in St Louis that I never thought I would make again. I have had several conversations with God about who I am and where should I be. Even today I have struggled with it... but I am getting ahead of myself.

It is funny a year ago, I would have said.. my life was in order and my restaurant was spiraling our of control. Today, the restaurant is great and for the last few months my life has just been spinning. This is due to my own continued "rocking of the boat." I am continuously trying to help God. I know he wants this for me... so I am going to help Him. I have put so many things in out there and let the chips fall where they may.... knowing that they could turn into a huge disaster... and here I sit "rocking that boat." Today, I have spent most of the day in complete silence. I have realized from reading my twitter page.... that there are thousands of people with the same "rocking the boat" mentality as me... it is called FEAR. Fear of if I am ever going to be enough... Enough..... enough for who? Who am I living this life for... this 30 seconds compared to eternity with God? This is a mere blip on the radar screen. I have got to start living! Who cares that I am not enough for this guy or that guy... I am enough for the Big Guy!!! Sounds cheesy... but I'm livin' for the first time in a long time.... what are you doin?

Speaking of living...my precious niece just keeps getting more adorable.... she told me last Saturday, "Aunt Robin, I really think you need to move back here I miss you." This as we were going up and down the escalator at Nordstrom's for the fifth time. We would jump on and jump off.... I could hear the gasps coming from everyone around us. We did not care... she is a tough little girl. We then went to try on shoes. I had to get work shoes as mine are slowly falling apart...I tried on Dansko clogs.... she said, "those are cute." I must teach her to never say that again. It has been great living so close to KC. I can drive there in 3 hours or take the train in 5 hours.

Meet me in St. Louis......

So, I am finally here. The restaurant is nearly ready to go. It has been so easy.... which normally translates to .... it will be really crazy when we open. After 20 years in the biz... here's prayin that we don't have any major hiccups!!!

The Lou-- If you don't like baseball... do not come here. It is a baseball town. I spent some of the day today talking to the Cardinals about tickets for the staff!! We are going down there tomorrow to fire some people up....

Two weeks ago I was involved in my first major snow storm in 4 years. I sat on my balcony and shed a few tears for my dear past Detroit days. It was so beautiful. God is so alive! I loved driving in it. I loved throwing a snowball at an unsuspecting person. I loved that it took me an hour to drive 11 miles in 4 inches of slush....listening to Pastor Chris Williamson.

I have managed to rent my house in Nashville!!! I am so excited that I have been able to do so... and be able to afford where I live here. Praise God!!!

I have found an amazing church. The first time I went.... in my head I said, "he better talk about Jesus." I walked in and he spoke of a personal relationship with Jesus. The second time I went... in my head I said, "he better not tell me I have to come to church and be involved." The first thing he said was church starts when you leave the building. Not here. You have to be a light out there. We want you to come here and fill your cup to go out there. Needless to say, it is nothing like Strong Tower in Franklin, but I do believe it is where STBCH was in the beginning. Non-denominational and multi-cultural.

I have been here 3 weeks and I really dig "The Lou!" But please pray for me. It will be tough!!!

.....a rose by any other name....jessa rose

Could this picture, seriously, be any cuter? Just 9 months ago my brother and sister in law brought her home from China. She takes everything in. Whether it is something she has never heard..... fighter jets flying in formation over us.... or a flower she has to stop and smell... she hems and ahhhs everything. She reminds me daily to take it all in.... I love this baby girl.... my precious Jessa Rose.